Occasionally I’ve been given those card sets, a boxed version of ‘sex truth or dare.’ I’ve enjoyed playing and finding out about my partner. Yet every so often I’ve been stumped by something that just didn’t seem inviting, interesting or a bit too crude. So the cards don’t get picked up again. Or put in the stash of things marked ‘a good idea at the time, but what was I thinking!!!!,’ then given away.
The box sets do a good job of being general, encouraging us to be a bit more daring. Yet I want to share a way I’ve found to make it more personal. A game which touches on something more intimate, allowing us to be interested, open, vulnerable and engaged. Which are, after all, the qualities that can move sex from something routine to something tender, connecting and deep; that comes from within us, rather than something we can buy at a shop or do for someone else.
The game came from someone I was meeting for a second time a few years ago. He showed me the best way of spending a Saturday night. Ever. I’ve loved this game ever since as a way to build variety, choice and erotic charge.
We found a bowl and paper and a timer. We both wrote lots of ideas we might like to try on the bits of paper, folded them up a put them in a bowl. Then we talked about our boundaries. As the idea is looking for newness taking penetration and/or orgasm off the menu is a brilliant option. We took it in turns to pull one of the ideas out of the bowl. The person whose turn it is chooses what to ask. The other responds with Yes, No, Maybe or Later to any of the suggestions. When you both have a Yes for the same thing, you set a timer and begin.
This game has so many benefits, principally moving us from sex as a fixed position to varied, relaxed, fun connection. I know nothing better for a way of getting off the sex conveyor belt of kissing, breasts, oral sex, penetration leading to game over. All you have to do is show up, be imaginative, knowing that at least some of your ideas are likely to happen. You might be surprised by trying something new. You might find out something tender about your partner. It’s freeing to say No. You may find courage, and find that safe risk-taking is exciting. It helps overcome a fear of rejection, as saying no to one activity is no big deal as you’ll be moving onto something that’s more Yes/Yes. This is the key to the night, you’re only ever doing what both people want to do. And if you try something and it doesn’t work it’s ok to say so, to stop and pick another idea. A no is as good as a yes, see it simply a change of direction rather than rejection.
It’s revealing, trusting and kind and brings out such gratitude for your partner when they say yes to something that feels vulnerable or you don’t normally have time for. It brings out gratitude for yourself when you get braver and realise that taking the initiative brings you both connection and pleasure. The mood can change – experimental, light-hearted, playful, innocent, sweet, edgy, curious, delight, only ever doing what both people want to do.
Over the evening erotic charge builds.
This is my favourite way of spending time on a Saturday night. Over the years I have enjoyed some amazing turn-taking. Creativity abounds, my highlights include covering a man in rose petals, reading erotic stories, taking a shower together, cock worship, hot oil massage and most recently reenacting the fridge scene from 9 1/2 weeks. I’ve helped someone begin to erase their porn collection, I’ve asked someone to sit quietly with me while I read a book. I’ve cuddled, yab yummed, been fed chocolate and champagne, bathed and breathed together. The surprises and moments of unexpected intimacy or erotic charge couldn’t have been predicted, it’s brought me closer to the person each time.
I didn’t even feel like starting the game the first time I was shown the idea all those years ago. Saying Yes to it has changed the way I understand intimacy.
I offer sessions on this for couples. I invite you to come and explore how you might set this up, how to be inspired, how to ask, how to reignite sparks of love, connection and passion.