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Everyday Devotion

Everyday Devotion

‘I adore you.’

‘I choose you.’ 

‘Thank you for being in my life.’ 

How many times have you heard that? Or said that? 

Devotion is a rather beautiful and slightly old-fashioned word isn’t it? In a world where sex is commoditised and judged on performance, the quiet art of devotion doesn’t get much of a look in. 

Yet my instinct is we’re missing something. Imagine if someone turned up in your life who you couldn’t have expected and, without you having to do too much, simply loves you. And you them. It’s such a gift.

I’m not talking about all the spiritual stuff of worshipping the goddess here; I’m talking about simple admiration, respect, friendliness and seeing the wonder of another human being who you hold in the highest regard. Who you speak to with love and whose happiness you care about.

For women: the journey to sharing ourselves

For women: the journey to sharing ourselves

As women, we don’t know what we want because we don’t know what’s possible.

Not only that, but we’re scared that if we did know what is possible, we wouldn’t be heard, our desires would be dismissed, or we would be shamed.

We’re scared and in the dark about our sweetness and our wildness, scared of ourselves and our edges, and scared to be vulnerable in case we turn out to be weak or boring. We are scared to be too passionate in case we’re ‘too much’, so we close down and give up, feel misunderstood, sad and disconnected.

From my experience in working with men and with couples, I can say with certainty that men want us to know what is possible. What’s more, they are delighted when we ask for what we want.

Sex school for grown ups: The great universal challenge

It’s stating the obvious, but none of us have been to sex school. To make matters worse, we’ve been touched by other people who haven’t either, so we’ve all experienced connection without too much skill, variety or loving communication.

It’s no wonder sex becomes a battleground or a place of shame, confusion and isolation. This is tragic, because our hearts have such high hopes for love and connection. 

While I haven’t been to sex school as such, I have spent years of my lift studying Tantra, sacred sexuality, sexological bodywork and conscious kink. I’ve learned so much about myself through these teachings. I’ve learned to connect with my body, my feelings and my underlying drivers. My learning wasn’t focused on sex as it’s generally thought of (penetration), but on a broader picture of connection, developing increased confidence in knowing what suits me and an ease and willingness to talk about it. I’ve picked up some wonderful sensual touch and pleasuring skills on the way, but that’s almost been incidental. 

All of this has got me wondering: if sex school did exist, what could we all benefit from learning? 

Breaking the habit of a lifetime: A life without porn

In this guest post, one of Alison’s clients reflects on the role of sex coaching in addressing a complex but common issue: porn-induced erectile dysfunction.

Like many people in their thirties, pornography has been part of my life since my teenage years.

Back then, much of what I knew about sex came from watching porn on the internet, and until my twenties I was far more familiar with the world of fantasy than I was with real sexual interactions or intimacy.

As I grew older and entered long-term relationships, my sex life developed in what might be described as a normal way. But the availability of pornography increased to the point where I was never more than a swipe of my phone away from videos depicting almost anything I could imagine wanting to see.

Sex is complex

It’s funny: in life, when we’re wise, we learn not to expect that other people will always like what we like, or want the same things we want.  Obviously, it’s great when that happens and it’s the basis of how we often choose friends, or work. After all, shared values and interests are vital for compatibility.

A shared love of macrame, art or sport is wonderful for mutual understanding, dialogue and appreciation.  Yet we don’t expect complete synchronicity in how and when we enjoy them. Usually we chat and agree where and when to meet and what to do or see with our shared time together. It’s obvious, isn’t it?

But not for sex.

For men: How to build a deeper connection

The first step to a deeper connection with a woman is letting go.

It is essential that you let go of all those ideas about sex that are based on films, television, and pornographic fantasies.

Don’t worry – it’s not your fault. Sadly, it’s widespread. Porn is a terrible educator and soon there will be a generation of young women whose only experience of touch is from men educated primarily by porn and fantasy. Can you imagine the tedium of being on the receiving end of that every day?

Be with us

The prevailing model of male sexuality is disconnecting women from you. We want you to stop doing things to us, and instead be with us. What women want is to be able shine and feel confident and connected to you.